The broken mask - English

You must be surprised that I have come? Well, it would've seemed strange to me too… some while ago, but now there's something wrong… something has changed. I came to tell you a gravely important thing. Though, I believe, you would consider it silly.
Hm?!
What?
Oh, rain again – as a reminding.
Nothing would've happened if there wasn't rain. And now, looking back the time, I realize that I only can blame it for whatever happened – blame this god damn rain.
Do you remember that day? The one when we were ten. It was my birthday, and my parents, together with yours, have decided to take us to the picnic. I was so happy – as happy as a child can be. I thought it would be one of my happiest days, and I would receive a heap of gifts… but I have lost everything instead. If there was no rain, there would be no car accident then, when, by the God's will, only you and I survived.
And though my uncle took us to live with him, my life seemed a real hell to me anyways. The uncle has been constantly occupied by his job, and I frankly hated him for that. He never had time to spend with us. And when I tried to draw his attention, he always avoided the conversation, saying he was busy and what he did was, as he said it all the time, "for our sake". Even his "hard times", when he had some problems at job, and he tried to drown them in the bottle, were far better than the ordinary ones. Because being in that condition he at least tried to pay us some attention and even tried to start talking to us. However, as always, we had nothing to talk about.
As you know, I didn't have any friends. Possibly because of being an orphan, everyone tried to avoid me, considering, that this way would be better. You were the only one who would listen to me and share my troubles. It seems that the accident did not only take our parents away from us, but also made us closer: almost like brother and sister.
I didn't like the way we lived, but soon I have understood, that there was the way to make my life better. I knew that I cannot change the world, but I can help myself creating the "mask" – the image that could turn me into a different person – not me in the eyes of the others. Someone who would be appreciated, respected and loved.
And I did it! When we moved to other city, I have made up a new image for myself. I refused "my old self" and have devoted all of my time to perform a role of the perfect person. At the new school they knew me as the ideal student who was perfect in study and in sports. I was sociable and friendly. Everyone wished to be friends with that me. This me was appreciated, admired and there were those who envied that me. And the most important - nobody avoided me. But there was one person who never changed and approached me like before – it was you. Nobody but you had any idea of what efforts did this role cost me. Because of the "mask" we rarely talked to each other, and I have noticed this strange sad look you had.
At first I thought that by creating this image I have made things only better for myself, for you… for everyone! But you weren't happy at all. Because of my foolishness and egoism… yes, I think it was my egoism, I have decided that you just feel jealousy because of me and my success. Then I began to search for ways to improve my "mask", and myself together with it… or likely not to improve myself, but my role. We didn't talk any more, but the look of yours has not changed, and became even sadder. Looking at you I felt that I lack something – something within me. Right that instant I felt grief and melancholy, but I couldn't… no, I simply didn't want to understand why I felt that lack.
And then we went each our own path, when I turned eighteen and the uncle has sent me to the other city to study there.
And now after 10 long years, we have met again. I am twenty eight now, I have succeeded in my life and I earn enough to have a good and happy life … But, damn, I cannot call this life happy.
You know, recently acquaintance of mine has asked me why am I always trying to live "as it is written in the book" instead of living my life as I would like to. I have already heard those words before and I felt that something within me cracked… or rather broke down. Soon after that, for the first time after all those years of separation I met you. Even knowing, that we didn't see each other for so many years I easily recognized you in the crowd. You, as it seemed to me, hadn't changed at all. As beautiful and cheerful as always. Then I had had the words I wanted to tell you. I realized what I lacked all those 15 years. I only wanted to come and talk to you; after all, I didn't see you so long... I wished to embrace you. I hoped everything to be just as before, and we would never part again.
But why… why, after these 10 long years, you were so close but we were separated again and forever this time. Damn this rain… Damn the day when, before my eyes, you were hit by the car that had jumped out on a sidewalk.
On the way to the hospital you looked at me smiling and told me those words I've heard from you once when we were kids. I didn't understand them then, but they stuck in my memory. You told me then: "Why don't you smile sincerely? Why do you hide your smile? I wish you to smile all the time!"
A little girl – the closest person in the world. I have understood the meaning behind her words and that strange look she had only now. Everything becomes clear to me when I look around. I have a lot of acquaintances, but do not have real friends. There are a lot of girlfriends in my life, but none of them appreciates and respects me, only my "mask". Your words… they showed me what exactly was cracking within me gradually. It was the "mask" I carried these 15 years.
But now, when it's broken, I understand that after the distance I have passed I don't have a close person anymore. And I have lost her, who accepted the real me, 15 years ago, just refusing her.
Alas, it's too late now. I am standing here wet, before a tombstone and the name engraved both there in the stone and in my memory. It was her name! She was the one who knew the "real me", the one "I" loved with all of my heart.
Seems, I have absolutely forgotten, why I came here for. I have come to tell you "Thank you" and … "Forgive me"… Forgive me that I couldn't understand you.
Forgive me that I caused you so much pain. But now everything has changed … I have changed. Now I don't live hiding myself in the shadow of the "mask", and I don't care if my life became more difficult. Now I live my life the way I want… as you wanted me to. And though it's hard to realize that the real "me" is lost being replaced by the illusion I created. But now, when there's no "mask", I will surely find "myself". And if Heaven exists, I'm sure, you are there. Therefore look at me, because from now on and till the very end I will smile. Smile for the sake of mine, smile for you. Not because "I have to", but because I want to!